So, there you have it...

My best friend has proposed an evening together. Not for fun, but for maintenance. It would seem that events in my life this past year have left me confused and angry. 'Course, one wouldn't know that walking down the street, but I guess being my best friend and all, she has some insight.

Wonder what it is she'll say? My mind knows. I keep brushing against the edge of it not wanting to confront it full on until then. Funny, I'm rarely on this end of it. It's usually me taking initiative, saying the things no one wants to hear, placing that ugly ol' mirror in front of a face. I'm looking forward to it in a "gotta have that surgery or die" kind of way.

• smoking
• losing weight
• lost interest
• i could go on and on, but, eh, who the hell cares?

White Trash Woes

Advice to women whose upbringing left their man-judging skills wanting:

When you've finally realized you're in a bad relationship with the guy who owns more guns than sweaters;
When you've given up after the umpteenth conversation where you've begged him to stop cultivating, selling and smoking weed;
When you've decided no matter how bereft your childhood was of appropriate father/daughter relationship development, you're not going to stand for another evening full of put-downs and your "man"s encouragement to your children to call you names;

You're already screwed. You're fucked. You're done for.

Years later, you'll find that shit still haunting you. When your children find you an obstacle to their wants and a ghost to walk through on their way to fulfill their selfish needs. It will dawn on you that that shit lingers. 'Course, it doesn't help you that the ex managed (through your naive allowance of continued visitation) to continue to foster his hatred through your children, but that isn't the culprit of your conundrum. YOU are. You're fucked...from the get go. The moment you decide on a man that just reinforces the inattentiveness, the antipathy, the lack of love you figured you deserved due to your upbringing is when you've screwed yourself.

Mind you - it was likely over before you started. Damaged before you had a decent run so I wouldn't fret so much over the low self esteem backlash you'll give yourself once you realize this.

I suppose you could go to therapy; "find" yourself; settle for someone who, at the least, doesn't verbally/physically abuse you or, even - ignore upbringing, bad choices, and consequences your children have dealt with...

at least, that's my experience. convoluted, twisted, illogical. but, hey - it's what i know.

have to go now - my 16 year old son is standing there threatening me because i took away his prized possessions because he crossed a huge fucking line weeks ago...and did something that well, only the white trash of us, experience, aye?

lol...working himself up now. sad, really. you'd think i was smarter than this. should have known, though, the day i married my ex-husband, my father didn't bother to come. even he - the one who couldn't help me to learn how to be loved properly as a child - wouldn't show up to see me make that bad decision. He's dead now. Died November 11, 2006. I wanted to have him give me away on my second (and last) try...didn't work out that way and I guess that's a good thing 'cause it's looking like I'm actually incapable of making good decisions when it comes to picking the right man or raising good ones.

wish me luck I don't have to go through what I did weeks ago.

A new day A new dollar

Almost two years ago...

Wow. Let's see - an outline, I suppose would be in order.

1. Still have my great job.
2. Had a beautiful disaster of a boyfriend for almost a year.
3. My oldest son turned 16 and into a different creature altogether. Yeah, don't know him AT ALL.
4. My father died. He was 62. It's still fresh..pains me to acknowledge.
5. Still smoking. argh.
6. Actually dating now - time and energy consuming. No wonder.

this is it for now, i guess.